The Trail Notes

12 November 2026 · Toddlers

Toddler tantrums: what's really happening (and 5 things that actually help)

No. No! NOOO! — and now your child is on the supermarket floor, screaming, and everyone is looking at you.

If you've been there, take a breath. You are not a bad parent, and your child is not a bad kid. A tantrum is not bad behaviour. It's a storm in a brain that is still being built. Here's what is really happening inside that storm, and five things that actually help — drawn from some of the most trusted books on raising children, retold in our own words.

What is a tantrum, really?

It's a flood, not a plan. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe two parts of a child's brain: the lower part reacts fast and feels big; the upper part thinks, plans and calms us down. In a tantrum, the feeling part takes over and the thinking part goes offline for a while. That's why explaining, bargaining and lecturing don't work in the middle of the storm — your child truly can't reason right now.

It's normal — especially from 1 to 4. Small children have very big feelings and very few words for them, and the "calm-down" part of the brain takes many years to grow. As language and self-control develop, tantrums usually become shorter and rarer.

There is almost always a trigger. Hunger and tiredness first. Then noise, crowds, too much going on. And finally a sudden "no" or a sudden change of plans. Knowing the trigger won't stop every tantrum, but it explains a lot of them.

Five steps, in order

1. Calm yourself first. It sounds unfair, but it's the most powerful step. A child in a storm borrows calm from the adult next to them. Before you say anything: one slow breath, drop your shoulders, lower your voice. You don't need to feel calm — only to look and sound a little calmer than your child. And if people are staring: almost every parent in that shop has been exactly where you are.

2. Get close, say less. Move to a safe spot if needed, get down to your child's level, and use very few words.

Some children want a hug; others need a little space. Both are fine. Siegel and Bryson call this connecting first — the redirecting comes later, when the thinking brain is back online.

3. Name the feeling. Put into words what your child can't say yet.

Siegel and Bryson call it name it to tame it: when a feeling gets a name, the storm starts to settle. John Gottman calls this emotion coaching — he found that children whose parents help them name feelings learn to calm themselves better over time. You are not agreeing to the cookie. You are only saying: I see you, and your feeling makes sense.

4. Hold the limit — kindly. Gottman puts it simply: all feelings are okay, but not all behaviour is okay. So you can accept the anger and still keep the no: "I know. It's so hard. And the answer is still no." If hitting or throwing starts, stop it gently and firmly. If we give in to stop the screaming, the lesson a child learns is that screaming works. Kind and firm teaches something much better: feelings pass, and you are safe.

5. Give the wish in fantasy. This lovely trick comes from Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: when you can't give a child what they want, give it to them in imagination.

It often brings a surprised look, sometimes even a smile. Your child feels understood — and the limit hasn't moved at all.

After the storm

This is when the real learning happens. Start with a hug. Later, when everyone is calm, talk about it briefly: "That was a big feeling. What could we do next time?" Pick one simple idea together — squeezing a pillow, stomping feet, asking for help — and practise it when things are calm.

You can't prevent every tantrum, but you can prevent some: a snack and enough sleep before outings; a warning before every change ("two more minutes, then we go"); two small choices instead of an order ("red cup or blue cup?").

And sometimes it's worth asking for extra help: if tantrums are very frequent, long or intense, if your child often hurts themselves or others, or if you simply feel worn out. Talk to your child's doctor — asking for support is a strong thing to do.

This article shares general parenting ideas, not medical or psychological advice. If you're worried about your child, talk to your child's doctor.

12 November 2026 · Everyday battles

Why your child doesn't listen (and 5 things that actually work)

Shoes on. Shoes on, please. Shoes on! — and by the fifth time, you're yelling. Then everyone feels bad, and you still have no shoes on.

If that sounds like your morning, this one is for you. Because most of the time, your child isn't ignoring you. Their brain is busy doing something else. Here's why — and five simple tools that actually work, taken from three of the most loved parenting books ever written, retold in our own words.

Three real reasons

1. Their attention is locked in. When a five-year-old builds a tower, their whole brain is inside that tower. Your voice from the kitchen barely reaches them. Switching from one thing to another is a real skill, and the part of the brain that helps us stop, plan and switch keeps developing for many years. When your child doesn't come the first time, it's often not defiance — it's a brain that hasn't finished switching yet.

2. Repeated words turn into background noise. If we say the same thing, in the same tone, from across the room, the brain files it away like the hum of a fridge. And children quickly learn that the real request comes on round five, when the voice gets loud. Faber and Mazlish point out: the more we lecture and repeat, the less children actually hear.

3. Big feelings switch off the listening brain. Siegel and Bryson describe the brain like a house with two floors. Downstairs lives the fast, emotional brain. Upstairs lives the thinking brain — and in children, the upstairs is still under construction. When your child is upset, downstairs takes over, and instructions simply can't get upstairs. First we calm the feelings. Then we can talk.

Five tools to try today

1. Connect before you correct. Instead of calling from the kitchen, walk over. Get down to eye level, a gentle hand on the shoulder, say their name, wait for their eyes. Ten seconds — and it saves five rounds of repeating. Then say it once, quietly:

2. Describe, instead of commanding. Orders make us want to push back — grown-ups too.

When we describe, children work out the rest themselves — and a child who figured it out feels capable, not bossed around.

3. Name the feeling first. When your child protests, the instinct is to argue. But arguing with the downstairs brain never works. Instead: "It's hard to stop when you're building something so cool." Gippenreiter calls this active listening. Naming a feeling doesn't mean giving in — the shoes still go on. You're just walking with your child to the door instead of dragging them there.

4. Give a heads-up, and a choice. A warning gives a young brain time to switch: "In two minutes, it's shoes time." Then offer a small choice: "Hop to the door, or tiptoe like a hedgehog?" Both roads lead to the door — but the child gets a bit of control, and children who feel some control fight a lot less.

5. Talk about yourself, not about them. "You never listen" is a label, and children live up to labels. Gippenreiter suggests the I-message: "I get worried when we're late. I need your help with shoes." Honest, calm, and it invites the child to help instead of defending themselves. And when you can — add play. A talking sock, a race against a song. Play is the fastest road to cooperation.

Bonus: listening is a skill — train it with games

Freeze dance (music on — dance, music off — freeze). "Timka says" (touch your nose — but only if Timka says so). Red light, green light. Every one of these trains the same skill: stop, listen, switch. Elena Bodrova and Deborah Leong built a whole preschool programme, Tools of the Mind, around games like these. Ten minutes a day, no screens, lots of giggles.

And one more thing: you will still yell sometimes. Every parent does. What matters is what happens next. Come back and repair: "I'm sorry I yelled. I was stressed. Let's try again." That's how children learn the most important lesson of all — mistakes can be fixed, and love stays.

This article shares general parenting ideas, not medical or psychological advice.